Adventure

5 Songs That Move Me Right Now

This doesn’t come from the Hemingway Deck, but music is and always has been a huge part of my life. If I’m in the car, I’m listening to music. If I’m in the shower, I’m listening to music. If I’m in my room writing, I’m listening to music. Here are some of the songs that have really affected me lately.

You Say by Lauren Daigle

I realize this song was probably written about a romantic partner, but honestly it just reminds me of my Mom and the way she is always supporting me and telling me how loved and special I am. It says, in part:

“You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe, oh I believe
What You say of me.”

Strip by Little Mix ft. Sharaya J

This song is the reason I haven’t stepped on a scale outside of a doctor’s office or worn makeup in months. While there are likely people who think that’s a bad thing, I don’t think it’s negative to finally FINALLY start to be able to love myself as I am instead of as I wish I was. The lyrics say:

“Take off all my make-up ’cause I love what’s under it
Rub off all your words, don’t give a uh, I’m over it.
Strip!
Jiggle all this weight, yeah, you know I love all of this.
Finally love me naked, sexiest when I’m confident.”
and
“I’m a woman, don’t test me.
Baby, I’m growing, my stretch-marks are sexy.
I don’t owe you nothin’.
Nah, I don’t give a uh, no, not anymore.”



More Than Words by Little Mix ft. Kamille

This is another one that was probably written about a romantic partner, but it makes me think about my best friend, Tiffany, because the lyrics say:

“I need you more than words can say. Oh you’ve shaped me in ways that I can’t explain. Always been there for me, now I’ll do the same. Oh I need you more than words can say.”

Perfect to Me by Anne-Marie

This song started out as “Perfect” by Anne-Marie on her debut album Speak Your Mind (Original audio can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vzLH36L68A) It’s another one that has really helped me with body image and loving myself. The chorus goes:

“Don’t feel like putting makeup on my cheeks
Do what I wanna
Love every single part of my body
Top to the bottom
I’m not a supermodel from a magazine, mmm-mmm
I’m okay with not being perfect
‘Cause that’s perfect to me
‘Cause that’s perfect to me
‘Cause that’s perfect to me”

Mean by Taylor Swift

There are a few specific people that this brings to mind that I won’t name for obvious reasons, but the realization that someone who is mean to you is doing it because of them and not because of you is a huge and important one. It’s a lesson that it took me decades to learn, but the truth is that people who have been hurting you for a long time are unlikely to change, so it’s best if you can change your perspective about them.

“Some day, I’ll be living in a big old city and all you’re ever gonna’ be is mean. Some day, I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me and all you’re ever gonna’ be is mean. Why you gotta’ be so mean?”
“All you are is mean, and a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life, and mean.”

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Adventure, Random Life Things

2019

As I wrote about in my post about writing, I got myself The Hemingway Deck by Best Self Co. as a tool against writer’s block. This year, I will attempt to make my way through at least part of the deck on my blog.

What do you need to do by the end of the year to make this year meaningful?

-Hemingway Deck By Best Self Co.

By the end of 2019, I would like to have a stable full-time job with benefits (specifically health care). I will travel to Scotland, spend time with the people I care about, and love on my dog. A job won’t directly make this year meaningful, but getting a job means that I am and can expect to continue to be mentally stable, and that would be very meaningful indeed. By the end of the year, I hope I have not been hospitalized for my mental health (or for any other reason)! I hope I have made new friends and nurtured old friendships. I hope I have volunteered my time to causes I am passionate about.

In trying to figure out what would make 2019 meaningful, I find myself reflecting on 2018 and all of the amazing moments I have had with the people I care about. From lobbying for Amnesty International with River in Washington, D.C. to screaming at the top of my lungs at the Taylor Swift concert with Monica to thinking, for a few minutes (and until I saw his teeth in the photo I had taken), that we had just met Ed Sheeran with Tiffany, 2018 has had some really amazing moments. I got to spend a week with my family at the beach, got to spend a weekend at the beautiful Lake Fontana with my parents and brother, saw SO MANY concerts, went to NYC with my best friend, had Breakfast at Tiffany’s, had tea at The Plaza, was there for a live recording of The Daily Show on election night and saw Michelle and Barack Obama speak in Washington, DC. I got to spend time with my cousins, parents, brother, best friend, and friends. I started babysitting for three children who I enjoy spending time with. The year may have started a little rough, but by May, things started looking up, at least for my mental health and my social calendar.

To be fair, 2018 certainly had it’s challenges as well. Politically, it’s been a rough year. It’s been a tough year to be a woman. It’s been a rough year to be a survivor of sexual assault. I’ve had to avoid the news as much as possible while still remaining as informed as I can with print media. I struggled with depression and anxiety and gained back almost all of the weight I had lost from 2017-2018. I had trouble falling asleep and staying asleep and found myself not wanting to leave the comfort of my bed. I let things get so bad in my room that it looks like a bomb went off in here. I spent more money I didn’t really have to spend on things I didn’t really need to own that I’ll just end up getting rid of in 2019 when I hopefully get my act together and declutter my room.

I hope to travel to new places and smile more and dislike myself less. I hope to fear less, love more, and stop being so afraid of life that I miss how magnificent it can be. I hope to stop judging myself about every single tiny thing I think I do wrong and start having faith in myself that I can succeed and do hard things. I hope to grow in my friendships and my relationships with my family members. I hope to be more patient and to stop absorbing every mean thing people say to or about me. I hope to remember, all the time, that there are many people who love me and want to see me succeed. I hope to maintain the fragile mental stability I have seen since starting to see a new psychiatric nurse practitioner in May. I hope to grow by leaps and bounds in therapy and learn more about myself and the person I’d like to become. I hope to talk to myself the way I talk to people I love and treat myself like I’d treat a friend.

I think that for 2019 to be meaningful, I need to pay attention to the small moments. I need to learn to love and appreciate myself as I am instead of as I wish I was. I need to revel in the laughter of my friends, the smiles of my parents, the barks of my dog, and the look on my brother’s face when he steps into Scotland for the first time. I want to read more poetry, read more novels, write more blog posts and articles, spend time playing board games and going to movies and smiling with friends, take River on walks, bake new things, and practice gratitude for the many overwhelmingly wonderful moments in my life.

Adventure

The Importance of Writing

Last night on Twitter, I lamented the fact that if my resolution for 2019 had been to write every day, I would have already failed. Thankfully, I’m not big into resolutions, but I would like to be more active on my blog this year. I got a set of writing prompt cards called The Hemingway Deck that I think will help with that.

I also tweeted out asking for writing prompts for me to use today. I got two suggestions and loved the idea of writing about why writing is important to me. The other suggestion was something I didn’t quite understand anyway.

Writing is important to me because it is the most effective way for me to communicate. When speaking, I often stumble over my words or say the wrong thing or put my foot in my mouth somehow. With writing, I can take the time to carefully go back through and read what I’m trying to say to see if it makes sense and truly communicates what I am trying to say.

Writing is also important to me because it’s a way to share my story and what I have been through with others, hopefully helping people in some small way. I feel that being open and honest about my Bipolar Disorder is the best thing I can do to help reduce stigma and raise awareness because it helps people understand that Bipolar Disorder is something I have, not something I am. It also shows people I know that someone they know and care about experiences the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder and isn’t the stereotype the media would have you believe about people with mental illness.

To me, writing is an outlet. It’s a way to express myself and my feelings in a safe way. It’s easy for me to put things out here on my blog because I know that people are only reading it if they want to- no one is forcing them. Sometimes when I talk about my mental health with people in person, I feel like they wish they could get out of the conversation or that I would talk about something else.

If I could get paid to write, I would do little else. I started working on a memoir a few years ago (and by started working on I mean I started gathering blog posts and journal entries to include), but that sort of fizzled out when I wasn’t doing well because I wasn’t writing many blog posts and stopped keeping a journal. I would like to be better about writing more often and journaling so that I have records to reflect on since my memory is so terrible.

So in 2019, hopefully you will be hearing from me more frequently, even if the posts are shorter than they have been in the past.

Random Life Things

Self-Rescuing Princess

A friend of mine told me about a short story he was working on and it immediately made me think of the song “Little Me” by Little Mix.  If you don’t have the time to watch the video, here are the lyrics:

She lives in the shadow of a lonely girl
Voice so quiet you don’t hear a word
Always talking but she can’t be heard
You can see her there if you catch her eye

I know she’s brave but it’s trapped inside
Scared to talk but she don’t know why

Wish I knew back then
What I know now
Wish I could somehow go back in time
And maybe listen to my own advice

I’d tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out
Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder
Tell her she’s beautiful, wonderful
Everything she doesn’t see
You gotta speak up, you got to shout out
And you know that right here, right now
You can be beautiful, wonderful
Anything you want to be
(Little me)

Yeah you got a lot of time to act your age
You can’t write a book from a single page
Hands on the clock only turn one way, yeah yeah yeah
Run too fast and you risk it all
Can’t be afraid to take a fall
Felt so big but you look so small

Wish I knew back then
What I know now
Wish I could somehow go back in time
And maybe listen to my own advice

I’d tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out
Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder
Tell her she’s beautiful, wonderful
Everything she doesn’t see
You gotta speak up, you got to shout out
And you know that right here, right now
You can be beautiful, wonderful
Anything you want to be
(Oh, little me)

(Little me yeah)
Tell you one thing I would say to her

I’d tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out
Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder
Tell her she’s beautiful, wonderful
Everything she doesn’t see
You gotta speak up, you got to shout out
And you know that right here, right now
You can be beautiful, wonderful
Anything you want to be
I’d tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out
Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder
Tell her she’s beautiful, wonderful
Everything she doesn’t see
You gotta speak up, you got to shout out
And you know that right here, right now
You can be beautiful, wonderful
Anything you want to be

Yeah, little me

As I was trying to decide what to write about today, I was listening to Little Mix and remembered the conversation about my friend’s short story.  I decided that I would write something to Little Me:

People will try to make you feel small.  Don’t let them.
People will try to make you feel like you take up too much space, like you use too many words, like your feelings don’t matter as much as theirs.  This is bullshit.  You are no more or less important than anyone else.  Your thoughts and feelings and opinions and dreams matter just as much as the next person’s.

He will use words dripping in honey to make you stay in what became toxic a long time ago.  He will make you feel stupid, insecure, and crazy.  Leave the second you don’t feel happy anymore.  Leave before he cheats.  Leave before he gaslights you.  Leave before you let him ruin your self-esteem with cruel words and lies.  If you don’t, it will take years to recover, but you will- in fact- recover.

People will tell you you’re a good writer.  Believe them, even on days when you’re struggling to come up with what to put on the page.  Believe them, even when you feel like you aren’t producing your best work.  You probably won’t believe this, but you will have bylines one day in a local women’s magazine.  You will write blog posts for important organizations.  You will write blog posts of your own that will help other people.  Ed Sheeran says that writing songs is like turning on a tap in an old house and I think the same goes for writing other things as well.  When you first turn on the tap, the water may be brown and gross and undrinkable, but the clear cool water will come with time.  The first things you write will not be the best, but better things will come to you.

You’re going to feel like you want to die from time to time.  The feeling will pass.  I promise.  Sometimes it takes longer than others, but you always end up happy to still be alive when the dark cloud finally moves.

One day you will read the words:
“darling, you are worthy.”
“darling, you are worthy.”
“darling, you are worthy.”
“darling, you are worthy.”

in a book by Amanda Lovelace.  You think you hate poetry, but you don’t, you secretly love it.  It awakens a fire within you that you didn’t know was there.  When you read these words, you will finally believe them.  You will be 29 years old.

It will take time, but you won’t hate yourself or your body forever.  You’ll come to a place where you start to accept and love every flaw and imperfection.  You will use this to set a good example for young people around you by not constantly critiquing yourself in front of them.

Your parents will tell you to absolutely NOT get the dog.  They will say no.  They will say you can’t.  They will give you a million reasons why not to get the dog.  Get the dog anyway.  She becomes so much more than a pet.  Best. Manic. Purchase. EVER.

It’s ok to need help and it’s ok to ask for help.  You learned this already, back in 7th grade, when you reached out and Beth got you the help you needed, but sometimes you will forget.  Sometimes you will feel unworthy of help and like your problems do not matter.  That is your brain being mean and isn’t reality.

Your dream job isn’t going to work out the way you want or expect it to, but it will work out the way it needs to.  It will feel like the end of the world, but I swear you will make new dreams.

You will make new friends and lose old friends.  You will reconnect with some people and lose others forever.  You think the end of high school is the end of everything because you’ll all be going your separate ways.  You aren’t wrong, but you aren’t completely right either because you haven’t even met your best friend yet.  The people who are meant to be in your life always find a way back into it.

You will get to travel the world with your best friend.  Oh, the places you’ll go!  You’ll put your toes in oceans across the world and eat ALL of the soft serve ice cream together.  You’ll see historical places and witness history being made.  You’ll march for what you believe in in Washington, D.C. and in Asheville and you’ll also spend hours in sweatpants or yoga pants just watching tv together.  You will have tea at the Ritz in London and at the Plaza in New York.  You’ll eat breakfast at Tiffany’s and have freshly squeezed juice at a market in London and eat ice cream at Edinburgh Castle.  You’ll see plays on the West End and on Broadway.  You’ll witness each other’s heartbreaks and healings and will be so much better for it.

One of your idols will die and the world will feel smaller and darker for a long time.  You’ll re-read all of her memoirs and eventually read her novels.  You didn’t get into Star Wars until college, but Carrie Fisher will have an impact on your life forever.

You’ll feel like giving up a million times, but you will always hold on to a spark of hope or find someone to hold the hope for you until you can find it again.

You are brave and strong and fierce and beautiful and intelligent and worthy and anyone who tells you or makes you feel otherwise is a liar.

You’ll be single for longer than you thought possible, but during that time you will learn to love yourself and you’ll heal from the ways you’ve been hurt in the past.

You will keep going, even when you feel like giving up.

You will learn better and will then do better.  You will become a person that you can be proud of.

You will forget all of your accomplishments during your dark moments, so make a list of them and read it when necessary.

You are not a failure.

You are not a waste of space.

You are an activist, an advocate, a writer, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a niece, a cousin, a granddaughter, and so much more.

You are worthy.

You are loved.

You are important.

You are a self-rescuing princess.

Adventure

On Motherhood and Disability

On World Mental Health Day 2017, I wrote a blog post sharing that I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to have biological children because of my genetic clotting disorder (Factor V Leiden) and my ongoing mental health struggles with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and specifically with Bipolar Disorder.  Not only was I frightened about passing these disorders with a genetic component on to an unsuspecting child, but I was worried about my ability to parent a child or children with these disabilities when I spend so much time in my life simply trying to take care of myself and my own disabilities.  According to the National Institute of Mental Health, Bipolar Disorder “results in 9.2 years reduction in expected life span and as many as one in five patients with bipolar disorder completes suicide.”  According to StopTheClot.org, blood clots kill an estimated 274 people each day.

Many people with disabilities are wonderful parents to both healthy and disabled children, but I simply didn’t feel that I was up to the task of risking my life and a baby’s life for a very dangerous pregnancy, only to not know if I would be physically and mentally able to care for my child or children.  I also have a hard enough time taking care of myself that I don’t feel like it would be a good idea to be completely responsible for a tiny human.  I enjoy sleeping through the night, going to concerts, going out with friends, and international travel.  I like being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it.  I appreciate that the only person I am responsible for is myself and that River is the only one who depends on me.  In short, on top of not thinking children are a good idea for me, I simply don’t want them.  If I change my mind about that particular aspect later in life, there are nearly 438,000 children in foster care in the United States on any given day who each deserve loving family homes.

I began speaking to my OBGYN about permanent birth control options many months ago and she was incredibly supportive, particularly in light of the fact that having Factor V Leiden and a history of Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVTs) means that it would be incredibly unlikely for me to have a safe and healthy pregnancy at any point in my life.  I slowly began sharing with friends, my mother, my father, and my brother that I do not want biological children and was planning on a surgical intervention.  While I expected to get push back and arguments, the responses of the people I chose to share with were overwhelmingly supportive.  A few people questioned if this is what I really want, but left it alone after I explained that it is.  The majority of people cheered me on for making a “responsible” and “selfless” decision.  The decision to pursue permanent birth control was not an easy one, but it was the right one for me.  My OBGYN and I discussed my different options, which were basically either a tubal ligation or a salpingectomy, and together we decided on a salpingectomy (permanent removal of both fallopian tubes).

On Wednesday, July 18, 2018, my OBGYN, who I trust and adore, performed a bilateral salpingectomy.  I thought that I would feel sad afterwards because of the significant loss of not becoming a biological mother, but all I feel is relief: relief that I know I will never have an unplanned pregnancy, relief that I’ll never be put into a position where I have to decide if abortion would be the right choice for me, relief that I’ll never have to experience the heartbreak of multiple miscarriages that so many women with Factor V Leiden face, and relief that I will never have a pregnancy that could kill me and leave my child and/or future partner alone.

I sincerely appreciate all of the love and support I have received from people so far.  You all mean more to me than you know.  Whether or not you decide to have children, please know that I support your autonomy and support your right to make that choice for yourself and please know that I am a safe person for you to talk to about it.

 

 

 

Adventure

#FreeTheChildren

UPDATE: Last week, Donald Trump signed an Executive Order that supposedly ends his own administration’s policy of separating children from their families at the border.  The Executive Order includes no plan about how to reunite the children who have already been separated from their families.  Without walking back his zero-tolerance policy, the Executive Order is largely unhelpful as it will result in children being detained in detention centers with their parents.  The Flores Settlement Agreement makes it illegal to hold children for longer than 20 days, so while the children may not be separated from their families immediately upon entry into the United States, they will still ultimately be separated as many families apply for asylum, which can take months or years.  The current administration is trying to get the Flores Settlement Agreement decision changed by the courts so that children can be detained for longer amounts of time because without a change to the settlement agreement, Trump’s Executive Order is mostly unenforceable.

 

 

Words are powerful. As Voltaire and Spider-Man’s Uncle Ben say, “with great power comes great responsibility.”  That’s why we need to have a little chat, family, friends, and strangers.

As you may or may not be aware, the current administration has made it policy to separate children from their families when they cross the border, even if those families are seeking asylum from violence and devastating poverty in their home countries. Make no mistake about it that the administration is attempting to deter people from entering this country from our southern border.  It isn’t working.  May saw the highest number of family units apprehended at the border since 2014, when violence in Central America led to a surge in border crossings.

This should be a nonpartisan no brainer.  Children don’t belong in tent cities or former Walmart stores or detention centers or institutions.  Children belong in families.

Separating children from their families is, by the UN definition, torture.   Not only is it torture by definition, but it has similar effects on children.  According to an article in the Washington Post, “The science leads to the conclusion that the deprivation of caregiving produces a form of extreme suffering in children. Separating migrant children from parents, then, increases the likelihood that their experience in immigration detention will cause lasting mental and possibly physical health problems.”  Scientific studies have shown again and again and again that separating children from their caregivers has detrimental effects.

Regardless of where you stand on immigration policy and asylum seekers, surely your heart goes out to these children.  This is not the way to deter immigration.  It’s cruel and it isn’t working.

You may be thinking to yourself now, “Ok Catherine, that’s fine, but what can I do about it?”  Here are three simple things you can do:

I’ll even help you write the letter to your representatives:

For Your Congressman or Congresswoman:

To Whom It May Concern,

My name is _________________________ and I am a constituent from zip code _______________.  It has recently come to my attention that the current administration has made it policy to separate children from their families at the border.  I’m urging Congressman / Congresswoman _______________ to denounce this family separation policy and use all of Congress’ authority to stop it.  I am incredibly troubled by the forced separation policy for a variety of reasons, not least of which being that it is torture by definition.  The separation of children from their families has been scientifically proven to have adverse effects on mental health.  Please use all of your power to stop this policy.

Sincerely,

___________________

For Your Senators:

To Whom It May Concern,

My name is _________________________ and I am a constituent from zip code _______________.  It has recently come to my attention that the current administration has made it policy to separate children from their families at the border.  I’m urging Senator _______________ to denounce this family separation policy and use all of your authority to stop it.  I am incredibly troubled by the forced separation policy for a variety of reasons, not least of which being that it is torture by definition.  The separation of children from their families has been scientifically proven to have adverse effects on mental health.  Please use all of your power to stop this policy.

Sincerely,

___________________

If you’d rather call your representatives, the ACLU has created a script.  It says:

Hi, my name is [YOUR NAME] and my zip code is [YOUR ZIP]. I’m urging the Senator / Congressman/ Congresswoman to denounce the current administration’s family separation policy and use all of her/his authority to stop it.

Adventure

On Suicide and Suicidal Thoughts

suicidal thoughts

 

**I want to very specifically note that what works for me will not work for everyone and that different people need different things when they are feeling suicidal, but this may help give you some information you didn’t have before.**

This week, the world lost Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain to suicide.  Of course these losses were very sad and they are worth talking about.  However, since the news broke of each death, I’ve seen a plethora of Facebook posts and tweets urging people to call the suicide hotline if they are having suicidal thoughts and encouraging people to check on their friends who have mental health issues and those who seem the “strongest” but may be struggling without you realizing.  I have even shared a post or two myself.

I do my best to post about mental health on a regular basis, but there are some people who only seem to care about mental health and/or suicide when there is a school shooting or a prominent celebrity death.  This is disheartening for a variety of reasons, but what I really want to focus on today is the fact that there are ways that you can help someone who is actively feeling suicidal that are not posting the suicide prevention hotline number on your social media.  Posting the suicide hotline number on your Facebook wall is unlikely to help everyone who is truly feeling suicidal.  Not once have I been suicidal, seen the hotline posted on Facebook, and thought “well, that was helpful.  I’m all better now!”

It’s hard to talk about feeling suicidal because there is so much stigma surrounding mental health and, specifically, suicide.  Many people think that a person who dies by suicide has chosen a selfish way out, when in reality people who die by suicide do so because they believe that life will never get better and that they have exhausted all other options.  I know this because I have had suicidal thoughts in the past and because there have been times when I was so depressed that I considered it as a possible solution.

As my best friend so astutely posted on social media this week, when a person dies by cancer, people often say they “lost their battle” with cancer.  This also happens with other diseases.  What many people don’t realize is that depression and, subsequently, suicidal ideation are physical diseases.  They are diseases of the brain, which is an organ much like any other in your body.  When a person dies by suicide, it is appropriate to say they lost their battle with mental illness.  It is not appropriate (or in any way accurate) to accuse them of being selfish or cowardly.  Many people who die by suicide have been suicidal at other points in their life and successfully fought off their mental illness until they were in a place where they were safe again.

It’s important for people with suicidal ideation to know that even though it feels like things will never get better and you will always be stuck in a deep dark hole, there are people who really care and things ultimately will get better, though it may take time for that to happen.  I have been suicidal a number of times in my life but have only chosen to call the suicide hotline once, my freshmen year of college.  That isn’t to say that they aren’t a great resource for some people, but in my situation they weren’t what kept me alive – my family and friends were.

What has been helpful for me personally when I’ve been feeling suicidal is talking to people who don’t stigmatize suicidal thoughts.  Specifically, when I’ve let people know that I am suicidal it is helpful for them to check in with me every day or a couple of times a day to see how I’m doing and if I am a danger to myself.  Not everyone who has suicidal thoughts will attempt suicide and not everyone who has suicidal thoughts needs the police called on them or to be taken to the hospital immediately, though some people do.  If you are unsure, it’s best to call someone.  While this will likely piss off the person you are calling on behalf of, it’s better to have them pissed off and alive than not pissed off and dead.

What I have needed in the past is for people to check on me until I can contact my mental health providers and go to appointments with them.  One of my best friends and I came up with a rating system of 0-10 with 0 being so depressed and suicidal that I need to go to the hospital, 5 being fairly stable, and 10 being so manic that I need to go to the hospital.  While I was feeling suicidal, she would text me a couple times a day and ask “what’s your number?”  We talked about it ahead of time and decided that if I was at a 2 or lower, she had my permission to call my parents if she felt it was necessary.  If I was at a 0, she had my permission to call 911.  I don’t use that system with everyone and it isn’t always necessary for me to give someone a number on a scale describing how safe or unsafe I am, but I’m thinking of one bout of suicidal thoughts in particular when it was very very helpful.

I tend not to post about suicidal thoughts on social media when I’m actively suicidal as I don’t want to create panic for those who care about me and don’t want people to think that I’m just seeking attention, but maybe I should change that.  Maybe it would help other people to know that they aren’t alone and that they can survive even the darkest times.  Maybe it would help derail some of the stigmatizing thoughts that people have about mental illness and suicide.

Of people with my illness (Bipolar Disorder), 1 in 3 will attempt suicide and 1 in 5 will successfully complete suicide according to the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance.  22 veterans die by suicide every single day.  These statistics are disheartening, but you can help change them.  If it seems like someone you know is struggling, reach out to them and let them know that you are a safe person to talk to.  Even if it seems like the people you know aren’t struggling, check up on them and ask how they are doing every once in a while.  Let them know that you really want to know how they are and don’t just expect them to say “fine thanks, how are you?”  Who knows, you may even save a life.