I didn’t even realize that I wasn’t doing that well until I decided I wanted to post a blog and started thinking about what I would say, but River can tell I don’t feel well. A few minutes ago, she lay down on top of me and wouldn’t stop giving me kisses. I know that sentence sounds awkward, but I googled the past tense of lie down and that’s what Writer’s Digest told me it was. My 7th grade English teacher, Mrs. Shope, would know, but she wasn’t available to ask and I wouldn’t want to bother her about such things.
I don’t feel like writing anything today. I don’t feel like getting out of bed. So I’m writing this from my bed in hopes that maybe it will help someone else feel a little less alone. I’m not depressed yet, exactly, but I know that’s the direction I’m headed. I don’t feel sad or hopeless or helpless yet, but I have barely left my room since Wednesday afternoon, all I want to do is binge watch Homeland and be left alone, I haven’t showered since Wednesday morning (gross, I know, but I’m just trying to be honest and I imagine I’m not the only person in that particular boat right now), and I feel apathetic again. I wrote something yesterday to post on a bad day, but it wasn’t super long or anything and it doesn’t feel appropriate for how I’m feeling today. I’m saving it for a self-loathing sort of day and today is just a blah sort of day. I also shared a thing I wrote for the Peace Corps about my service, but that’s all I’ve really done besides binge watching Homeland in the past two days.
Part of Bipolar Disorder is the hypomania and the mania, where I’m irritable and agitated, everything feels awesome and totally doable/in my power, I feel like I don’t need sleep, I hear voices and music, I feel like there are bugs crawling all over me, I see bugs and shadows out of the corners of my eyes, I spend a lot of money, I take risks and act out of character, I talk really fast, I can’t stop moving, I have racing thoughts, I have so many ideas I can’t keep them straight, or I start new big projects to name just parts of what can happen while hypomanic or manic. The other part is the crippling depression that can get so bad that I feel completely hopeless and helpless and don’t want to live anymore.
This is how that starts. And this is how it will continue for a while until it gets to the bad part or until my medication is changed. Sometimes it just stays like this for a really long time, sometimes months, and I don’t get to the deep dark bad part, but this part is bad too since I don’t feel like doing anything or seeing anyone and it can last so long if left untreated. I was supposed to meet up with a friend on Thursday and a different friend yesterday, but they both had to cancel and I was honestly so relieved. (Sorry/Thanks ladies!) I see my psychiatrist on Tuesday, but I’ve otherwise been doing okay, so he may want me to ride this out and see where it goes.
I’ll do something different today from the past two days. I’m going to get up, take a shower, get dressed, and go see a movie with my parents, our friends, and River. In the Intensive Outpatient Program we called it Opposite Action- acting opposite to how you feel like acting. It’s usually a pretty helpful tool for me. It doesn’t always work right away, but it’s a good way to gauge when you’re feeling better because you’ll start to notice you’re enjoying things again, which you can’t notice if you aren’t trying any of the things that usually bring you joy or pleasure. I’m not particularly enjoying things right now. I’m really just watching Homeland because it’s something to do besides just lie in my bed and I started it and I’m on Season 4 and I feel like I have to finish it. That happens with me and TV shows. If I start them I feel like I have to finish them, for the most part. Book series, too, except sometimes I hold out on reading the last book because I don’t want the series to be over.
So that’s a little update on me. I hope this lets up soon and it’s possible that it will. I would normally have just written this type of stuff in my journal, but people seem to be really responsive to the posts I make on here about my mental health and I’ve gotten some feedback that some of my blog posts have been really helpful to people, so you may be hearing from me more frequently than you have been.