Someone recently said that someone else thought of me as the golden child or poster child for Bipolar Disorder. While that is very touching and flattering, it isn’t really accurate because even with everything I do, I’m still not doing well. I’ve been various levels of depressed since October, which was when I had my last real suicidal thoughts. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to die as it was I wanted to not be living this life and experiencing this pain anymore. I just wanted to go to sleep for a really really long time and wake up when the episode was over. I just didn’t care about anything. I was so apathetic.
I fight SO HARD every day to be okay, and most days I’m still not okay, not really. I’ve just had fifteen years of practice of putting on my “okay” mask since I started struggling with depression and anxiety when I was 13. It’s just been within the past year that I’ve started really feeling comfortable taking off that mask- at very specific times- when I’m behind a computer screen and typing for this blog or for www.illuminatedbyu.com or typing up journal entries. If I was doing well or okay, my doctor and I wouldn’t still be talking about ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy- shock therapy) and exhausting all other possible options first. I wouldn’t have just taken a genetic test to try to see what meds might finally help me because nothing works for my depression (or works for long anyway). (As a side note, since I’m struggling more with the depression side of things now, I really wish my doctor would take me off of some of the mania meds, I take a LOT of pills each day)
I do work my butt off. I take my meds. I go to therapy once a week and the psychiatrist about once a month. I’ve done two different Intensive Outpatient Programs. Sometimes I go to a support group. I have an amazing support system. My parents are a treasure to me and help me more than they could ever possibly know. I have an immaculate Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP). I have a living will and the forms for my parents to have Health Care Power of Attorney. Basically, I’m prepared for my mental health to go even further downhill, but none of those things can stop that from actually happening. In fact, I had most of this stuff in place before I had to be hospitalized last May for mania. I’ve updated my WRAP and Health Care POA since then, but I was attending therapy and psychiatrist visits and taking my meds as prescribed then, too.
I am absolutely not in remission. I use a scale where 0 is suicidally depressed and I need to go to the hospital and 10 is stable and happy. Over the past month, there have been some days where I have been as high as a 7. A 7 may be better than a 2 or 3, but it still isn’t stable and happy and whatever “normal” is. Over the past week, there have been days when I have been as low as a 4. There is a little bit of rhyme and reason to it as I do know what some of my larger triggers are, but overall, Bipolar Disorder is like a bulldozer that flattens out your life and leaves you standing there staring at the rubble wondering how to rebuild.
So please, don’t assume that I’m okay because I “don’t look sick” or because I’m laughing or smiling. I can be depressed and still laugh and smile. I am so exhausted and so sad and so over it, but I will keep fighting and I will keep telling you about it because helping to end the stigma is so SO important to me. You know someone who has Bipolar Disorder and sometimes – often, lately – that person is just not okay. I need help and I’m doing everything I know how to do to get it. If you feel moved to do something, you can be a good listener or offer to sit with me or do an activity together you know I’ll enjoy. We could have hot tea or a meal together or go for a walk or a hike or just sit on the back porch talking. Text me and ask how I’m doing. I may not respond right away, but it will mean a lot to know that someone cares enough to ask. Offer hugs. Invite me to things even if you think I’ll say no because I’ve said no 50 other times because I haven’t been feeling well. Even if I say no a 51st time, I’ll appreciate the invitation. Please don’t be offended if I’m being awful at keeping in touch. I feel like a burden to everyone right now.
I’m struggling and things are hard right now, but I haven’t given up on me, so please don’t you give up on me either.