This is a seven part series. A new part will be released every Wednesday until all 7 are out.
Disclaimer: As some of you may know, I took a Memoir Writing class in 2017. For that class, I wrote a lengthy (22 page) story about my first time going inpatient in a mental health facility back in May of 2015. I utilized a “journal” or sorts that I kept while in the hospital. It was really just a yellow legal pad with notes scribbled all over it each day. I was hesitant to share it here because it’s very frank and may contain details of thoughts I had that some people may find disturbing, but I also feel it’s an important look at what being in a mixed episode can feel like. In a mixed episode, you experience symptoms of both mania and depression. So you may have a ton of energy and engage in risk taking behaviors but your self talk may be incredibly negative and scary. At any rate, I’m now going to share that story with you weekly in several parts. I’m not sure how many parts yet, but I don’t want to make each post so long that no one wants to read it. Some parts of this story contain strong language not suitable for children. I know some of the stuff I have written and write in this part are really off the wall and bizarre, but they are the honest thoughts that I had at the time.
That stupid fucking P.A. said she was going to add a PRN medication to help me sleep and she didn’t. I’m fucking furious. I only wake up for a few minutes each time, then fall back asleep pretty quickly, but it takes me a long time to fall asleep initially and I wake up really early and am unable to go back to sleep and all of this is affecting my quality of sleep and my mental health! I’m so angry. The nurse said I’m supposed to go to sleep then just come get them the first time I wake up at which point they will call the doctor on call and tell him I’m not sleeping. Then I’ll have to wait for him to call in the order to the hospital before they can actually give it to me. Then it will take at least 30 minutes for whatever he calls in to kick in, then I may have a hard time waking up in the morning because of how late it is going to be taken. The P.A. is a giant bag of dicks.
I’ve taken a shower and calmed down very slightly, but I’m still extremely pissed. I’m half tempted to refuse to go to sleep at all on principal. If they aren’t going to help me, what the fuck is the point of me being here? If they aren’t going to help me get a good night’s sleep, I could be at home in my own bed with my sweet dog! This is bullshit. To be fair, I was in an ill mood before I even found out. At snack, Dixie was asked to respond to some very specific questions and she went off on a tangent. I legitimately cannot stand that woman. Everything is about her all the time. She interrupts everyone when they are speaking and is constantly giving advice I didn’t ask for (and that no one else asked for either). She is also a one upper and a complainer and just generally a bitch. I tried yesterday and today to be patient and kind with her, but I don’t think I would have succeeded on one of my best days, let alone when I’m locked in a small ward with her and my medication needs are being ignored by a rude P.A. and I’m manic and everything is too loud and overwhelming and just generally too much.
I want to go home. I want my room and my privacy and my dog and my gym. I want my books and my car and my nook and my Netflix and my amazon. I don’t know if I can last 4 more days in here. It’s truly not a bad place, but Dixie makes me feel punchy for sure. I’m going to go back to my reading now. Update: Lindsay, the very nice nurse, is going to go ahead and call the doctor on call to try to get some Ambien or something so I’m not awake so many times in the night. That P.A. sucks, but the nurses here are incredible.
It’s my fifth day here and I almost got a full night of sleep last night. I only woke up one time, but it was to Dixie’s loud voice down the hallway. I’m so sick of her. I wish they would send her somewhere else already so this place could be more peaceful. Monica is supposed to come visit today. Mom will come at 6:30 for the group about families then she will leave around 7 when Monica gets here. I hope I wrote Monica’s name correctly on the visitor log. Now I’m anxious about it and I’ll probably go check with the nurses to see. The chaplain stops by my room to tell me about the devotional in the TV room. I’ve said no for the past 3 days. I don’t know what he thinks has changed. The nurses say they will let Monica in, no problem. Another chaplain comes to visit me again and I politely send her away. I think that if I was going to be here for any length of time, I would make a sign for my door that says “No chaplains, please.”
I speak with the doctor and he says I can maybe go home on Friday. If I’m not starting to genuinely do better by Thursday, I think I’ll start lying and saying that I’m doing better. I really want to go to the beach and the nurses told me it isn’t uncommon for people to ask to be released for family vacations. Dixie has been annoying today, but not as bad as yesterday. I am mostly trying to avoid her.
Dixie brings out the very worst in me and I can’t stand her. I can barely stand to be in the same room with her and that’s only when she isn’t talking. A nurse from my general practitioner’s office called me back while I was peeing earlier and Dixie answered the phone and lied and said I was asleep. She didn’t even come to my room to check! What a bitch! I just realized that Dixie probably told them I was asleep because she wasn’t invited to go outside with us the other day because someone genuinely thought she was asleep. She is also probably still pissed about no one coming to get her for supper last night. She is supposedly being discharged tonight and I CAN’T WAIT!!
First of all, Dixie is gone! Her daughter called and was bitching at the sweet nurse about releasing her even though the nurse had no control over that. I told the nurse that if Dixie’s coming back, I want to go somewhere else. I got to go outside to the fish pond with Samantha, Marie, Eveleyn, and Allie. I stuck my feet in the little creek running into it and it was lovely. Dinner was good but the kitchen didn’t send a few of the things I ordered. Samantha also had a good group earlier today. I overheard the nurse’s conversation with Dixie’s daughter and I heard the nurse specify that Dixie probably didn’t meet the admission criteria for some other specific place because she hadn’t been combative while she was here. Even though I wanted it desperately, I couldn’t believe they discharged her. If they released her, me getting discharged shouldn’t be a problem at all, even though the doctor only said maybe to me getting out on Friday.