If all jobs paid the same, what would you choose to do?
-The Hemingway Deck by Best Self Co.
Throughout my life, I have wanted to be many things: a bumblebee so I could sting my big brother, a veterinarian, a ranch owner, a criminal profiler, and a school counselor to name some of the bigger ones. What I think I have always really wanted to be, though, is a writer. I’ve enjoyed writing for as long as I can remember and I have always loved reading books, even long before I could read them myself. It simply never occurred to me when I was younger that I could be a writer as a career.
If all jobs paid the same, I would write on this blog about my experiences with life and with mental illness and I would write books. Possibly a memoir to start as I’ve already done a lot of the research for that, but my real passion has always been YA literature. It’s my favorite to read and would, I think, be my favorite to write. I used to think I had to be manic to be creative enough to write a novel, but I know now that with the right medications, I can be both stable and creative.
Sometimes ideas for novels come to me in my dreams and I take notes on as much as I can remember as soon as I wake up. Sometimes they come to me randomly during the day or as I’m trying to fall asleep. I haven’t started writing any of them because I haven’t had the confidence necessary to do so. I have trouble believing that I could write anything fictional that is creative enough and engaging enough for other people to actually want to pay money to read it. I struggle with the idea that I could actually create worthwhile content that people enjoy.
It occurs to me that I’m sharing my biggest wish and deepest hope with all of you right now and that it may never come to fruition. That idea is embarassing and makes me feel ashamed. What if I’ve put this out into the universe and am never able to write or publish a book? What if people who read my blog start asking me about what else I’m writing? I think it requires a little bit of courage to say to the world “this is what I really want.”
The past five years have been incredibly rough for me. You would think that while I haven’t been working would have been the perfect time to work on a book, but the truth is that my brain has been really unkind to me and I’ve spent the majority of the last several years depressed, with a few manic episodes thrown in for spice.
The reality is that I will soon have to get a full-time job. I don’t know if my re-evaluation is in March or May, but whenever it happens, as long as nothing substantial has changed with my life or my mood, I should be cleared to go back to work. FINALLY. The idea of going back to work used to terrify me, partially because I knew I wasn’t ready for that big of a change. Now, I feel hopeful. I probably won’t be able to find a job writing, but I can find a job that pays well that I don’t hate and continue to write in my free time. Maybe I could take a grant writing course at AB-TECH and apply for grant writing jobs.
This is me, putting something scary that I really really want out into the universe. Thank you for caring enough to read this and I hope I don’t disappoint with whatever else I end up writing.